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G-d
My L-rd, open up my lips, and my mouth shall declare
Your praise. How can I separate G-d, from Torah, from Yisrael? They
cannot be cleanly separated, at least for me, into: This is G!d, this
is Torah, this is Yisrael. They are all connected--G!d is in all of
them as She is in all things. (I don't always refer to G-d as She. I
generally say He along with everyone else. But to me saying She gets
right to something I find very important: G!d is not really a He, any
more than G!d is really a She. G-d is not gendered--we could say It
but G!d is not an inanimate, impersonal machine either! And for me saying
She gives a bit of a shock--we read right over He and don't really see
it--and makes me say "Oh! That's right-¬ail these words we
use for G!d--they're just words and the best we can do-¬but they
don't even come close to describing the Reality of Who G!d is. II That's
the reason I don't spell out "G!d" either.)
I did not grow up with a sense of G-d in my life. I was not raised religiously,
and so learned to see "G!d" as something belonging to someone
else, not to me. Today, I see my sense of G-d as being like a young
tree--its roots spreading out, taking strong hold in the earth, it is
reaching up strongly towards the sun. When you look at this little sapling,
you can see how it can grow and flourish into a tall, strong, tree--but
now it still needs to be cared for tenderly, watered and nurtured and
tended.
G!d is the One Who is present in all things--the One who was before
anything, and will be after. I think of those words from the Aleinu-¬Hashem
is G-d (everywhere)--Ein ad. There is none else. Not merely, there are
no other gods. No, to me this says: G!d is, and ein od: There is nothing
else. Everything is of G!d, because G!d is the One Who is the source
of all.
This can be an ecstatic realization: that G!d is constantly present
everywhere in everything--in the sprouting of new plants this spring,
in my pulse, in my thoughts and writing of these words (in my ability
to think and write this!). That it is simply impossible for anyplace
to truly be absent of
G-d. But it is also probably the most difficult knowledge
of G!d that there is. How can I say G!d is in suffering, in cruelty?
How dare I say G-d was in the Shoah--that G!d is in evil? I do not know
how to resolve this. There are many places where I must admit--I cannot
find G!d. I can only say that I believe--b'emunah shleimah--that G-d
must be there. G!d must be there, because G!d is everywhere and always.
G-d must be there, because there is no place and no time that is in
more need of Her. .
This sense of G-d is one that has grown with me over the last several
years. I was living, thinking: Is there G-d? I can't see G-d, I don't
feel G-d. And I became aware: it was as if Hashem was speaking to me
constantly, as She speaks to everyone, saying: "Listen! I am, I
am here! You keep looking there for Me, but I am not there, I am here--I
am everywhere. You look for My Face, but 'no one can see My Face and
live'¬-you must learn to see Me in the world around you, to see
the result of My Presence. Wake upf' And learning to hear this, to listen,
to move from "I
don't believe in G-d" to "Perhaps" to "Of course,
G-d is" was not sudden but a slow, strong spiritual growth. And
the wellspring of it was my learning of Judaism. I learned of the One
G!d, Hashem, the One Who spoke v'haya ha-olam, Who took us out of Mitzrayim
"with a mighty hand and outstretched arm", and I said: "Zeh
Eyli! Zeh Eyli!" This, this is my G!d! It was to me an amazing
discovery. I still feel like Yaakov, saying "Wow! Hashem was in
this place--and I did not know it." G-d is in this world, and I
did not know! G!d is and I did not know! How could I have not known?
And sometimes I look at the world around me and feel: "Mah nora
ha makom hazeh!" --How fearfully, overwhelmingly awesome this place
is, because now I see it is full of G!d's Presence.
I feel like someone who has newly fallen in love. Longing for this One,
constantly seeking to know Her better, to be (or understand that I am
already) in Her Presence. I dawen every day, shacharit v'arvit, and
meditate and study Torah early each morning, out of this longing. I
can't always be there completely. Sometimes I oversleep and have little
time, so I am rushing through the prayers, without kavannah, with no
time to be
still and meditate or study. Or at night I am tired
and cannot truly bring myself to my prayers; before I begin I am ready
to be finished. But when I can bring all of myself to my dawenen, I
can truly feel myself in G-d's Presence, and I can feel every word I
speak and chant I am speaking to Hashem. These are some of the most
precious times in my days.
But I could not say, I only feel close to G!d when I davven. I'm not
even sure I could say, I feel closest to Hashem then. Perhaps I do.
But I also feel close to Hashem when I study Torah--and when I learn
any new thing. Sometimes I feel G!d very strongly when I am eating--especially
when I remember to make a brokha beforehand. I feel G-d when I am in
the presence of friends--and sometimes when I am feeling isolated and
alone, I am wrapped in a sense of Hashem's being with me. And often-¬Often,
in all these places, I am not aware of G!d at all. But I think--to me
at least--that it is enough to be able to know G!d is with me--in all
these places--whether or not I am able or willing to feel it at the
time. And I try always to open to Hashem, to be able to let G!d into
me, into my life, even though sometimes it is very difficult. But I
am in love--and I want the One I love to be with me always.