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Kibbud Av va'Em
Kabeyd et avikha v’et imekha l’ma’an
ya’arikhun
yamekha al ha’adamah asher HASHEM Elokekha notein lakh.
Honor your father and your mother, in order that your days
will be lengthened on the land which HASHEM your G-d gives you.
What does it mean to ‘honor’?
What is honor? Honor is feeding, giving to drink, dressing, covering,
bringing in, and taking out. — Kiddushin 32aThere are two words
used to describe a child’s obligation to his parents in Torah;
the word used in the 5th commandment, both in Shemot and Devarim, is
Kabed, honor. (The word used in Vayikra is yireh.)
The traditional definition of ‘honor’ means to care for
a parent’s physical needs. It seems to speak of caregiving for
older or infirm parents—or providing the needs which one’s
parents, for whatever reason, cannot provide themselves. Beyond the
basics enumerated here, it can be expanded to refer to caring for other
needs a parent may have: to see that a parent’s home and property
is kept up; proper medical care; etc. But it is clear that honor is
taken to mean providing for physical needs. “Honor” is closely
tied to dignity, thus by ensuring our parents are able to live in dignity
(and by treating them with dignity) we are honoring them. Kibbud av
is also seen as requiring that one give one’s parent’s priority.
That is, one must see that one’s parents needs are met before
anything else. It requires that one respect a parent’s views.
(Respect, of course, does not mean that those views must be agreed with,
nor that they cannot be contradicted—but that it must be done
in such a way that a parent’s dignity is retained.) The aspect
of kibud which requires respect of one’s parents by definition
requires that the distinction between parent and child remain clear—that
is, parent and child are not equals—significantly, a child must
not call his/ her parents by their first name. (with some logical exceptions,
such as when s/he is asked her parents’ names.)In addition, the
manner in which one approaches these actions is important. One can do
things that on the surface are honoring, while cursing one’s parents.
This is an attack upon their dignity and therefore is dishonoring, even
if the acts themselves are honorable. On the other hand, one can do
things which seem from the outside to be undignifying and dishonorable,
but with the intention and attitude of preserving a parent’s dignity
and honor. If parents would order their child to transgress a positive
or a negative command set forth in the Torah, or even a command which
is of rabbinic origin, the child must disregard the order. Moreover,
in the event that the father requests a personal service from his son
while the son has a Mitzvah to perform, then: if the Mitzvah can be
performed by others, let him delegate it to others and attend to the
duty of honoring his father, for one commandment is not to be neglected
in order to fulfill another. But if there are no others to perform the
Mitzvah (and it cannot be postponed), he must perform it himself and
disregard the honor due his father, because both he and his father are
duty bound to fulfill the commandment. The latter would include especially
the duty of studying Torah which supersedes that of honoring parents
[Hilchos Mamrim 6:12f., Shulchan Aruch, ibid, 240:12f and 25]
It is very important to realise that “honor your parents”
does not necessarily mean “doing what your parents want”
or “what makes them happy”. Ideally, what our parents desire
of us are things which bring them honor. But in the case of parents
who demand impossible or sinful things, things which we are commanded
not to do, we must refuse to do them—and in these cases, it is
in dis obeying our parents that we bring them a greater honor. Kibbud
av va’eim does not obligate us to violate other mitzvos or otherwise
act immorally or illegally—since our parents are also obligated
for these things. (I add immorality/ illegality so as to apply to both
our Jewish and nonJewish parents, since of course nonJews are not obligated
to the 613 mitzvos.) All the definitions and expansions of what honor
means, what it means to “kabeyd av va’eim” clearly
and unambiguously refer only to our actions. We are not commanded to
feel respect for our parents—only to act respectfully. We are
not commanded to feel our parents deserve honor—but to show them
honor by our actions. And nowhere are we commanded to love our parents.
(Nor they us.) It is not that G-d would not command feelings of us—we
are commanded to love G-d, to love our neighbor, to love the stranger,
not to covet. But it is clear by this that, in this instance, what matters
is what we do, and the manner in which we do it, not what we think,
nor what we feel. What are the ways in which we honor our parents?We
understand that the obligation to honor our parents has its limits.
Is living a life our parents disapprove of, or making decisions different
than those they might have wished for us, inherently dis honoring them?
Where do we draw the line? Bein Adam L’Makom, Bein Adam L’Chaveiro
Our Rabbis taught: There are three partners in man: the Holy One, blessed
be He, the father, and the mother. When a man honors his father and
his mother, the Holy One, blessed be He, says: ‘I ascribe to them
as though I had dwelt among them and they had honored Me.' –Kiddushin
30bThe 5th commandment stands as a bridge between the first four (clearly
recognizable as between a person and G-d) and the second five (which
deal primarily with relations between people.) The first four commandments
are bein adam lamakom—between a human and his/her G-d—while
the last six are bein adam lachaveiro—between a person and another
person. Though this commandment would seem to fall, as with the xis
that follow, under the category of bein adam lachaveiro (is not the
relation of a person and their parents not the relation of one person
to another?) the first five commandments—that is the first tablet—are
considered to be commandments bein adam lamakom. How is a commandment
to honor one’s parents a matter between a person and Gd?
1. Because G-d is a ‘third parent’, as it were, in our creation—therefore
by honoring the source of our physical life—our mother and father—we
are honoring the source of our spiritual life—HaKadosh, Barukh
Hu.
2. More practically, because we—usually—have our first,
or primary, connection to moral instruction, or G-d, or Torah (our spiritual
and moral upbringing, however we term it) to honor our parents is to
honor the instruction they gave us, thus to honor the Source of that
instruction.
Between Ourselves and our Parents, Between
Ourselves and G-d
[Rabbi Shimon bar Yochai said that] the most difficult of all the commandments
is “Honor your father and mother”. –Tanhuma, Ekev,
2We have already seen that kibud av is a commandment both ‘bein
adam lachaveiro’ and ‘bein adam lamakom’. Interpersonal
relationship: Treating a parent with respect, prioritizing a parent’s
needs, maintaining their dignity, aspects of relating to a parent. (ie
speaking of them with respect, etc.)—all the things we’ve
already spoken of as the definition of ‘honor’.But what
is the aspect that is ‘between a person and G-d’? We have
already seen that partly it is because we honor our parents as physical
agents of our creation, and thusly we also honor G-d as partner in our
creation. Therefore, all of our actions which honor our parents—bein
adam l’chaveiro—are also ultimately actions which honor
G-d—bein adam l’Makom. But is there something beyond this?
Perhaps it is to make it clear that kibud av is not dependent on our
parents, but upon G-d. Our parents are deserving of honor not because
of anything they have done—but ultimately because G-d commands
it of us. Therefore, not one of us is exempt from it. Perhaps this is
also why it is actions that are commanded of us, not feelings. It may
be difficult or even impossible to love an abusive or absent parent.
It is much more possible, albeit often difficult, to find a way to relate
to a parent respectfully. One need not—in fact, must not—submit
to an abusive parent, but one can assert one’s rights (to bodily
integrity, to protect one’s health, not to be humiliated—which
is compared to murder) in a way that does not dishonor one’s parents.
And one can find ways to care for even an abusive parent—even
if one cannot personally provide to those needs (because the parent
continues to be abusive) one is still obligated to see that their parents
are able to live with dignity. In fact, in cases where one’s parent
is unable to cease to be abusive, not having personal contact (as long
as the parent remains abusive) may be a form of honoring—in the
sense that one may not ‘place a stumbling block before the blind’.
If our presence is an ‘incitement’ (not in the sense that
we are at fault, as such, but that if we were not present, our parents
would not act in abusive ways)—we should remove ourselves so as
not to cause our parents to continue to act in immoral ways. Though
of course, even in such a situation, one must continue to provide for
a parent’s dignity, and treat them with respect even if from a
distance. Generally—depending upon the situation—one should
also leave the door open for tshuvah and forgiveness. It has been said
that if nothing else, we can be grateful to our parents for our lives.
For those of us whose conception and birth were matters of surprise,
pain, and loss to our parents it may be very difficult for us to feel
gratitude for something we are told we should not have, or for having
something that has caused those who gave it to us pain. This has always
been most difficult for me, particularly as a young child. However,
it is possible to see the statement that G-d is the third partner in
the creation of each and every one of our lives as the channel by which
one can be grateful for one’s life. Even if our physical, earthly
creators—our mother and father—did not desire our existence,
Ha-Rachaman, the Holy One, Blessed be He, The Living G-d, did desire
our existence. Therefore, one can be grateful to G-d for one’s
life, and beyond, grateful to one’s parents who were, with G-d’s
help, the physical source of that life. And one shows that gratitude
by honoring—as explicated above—one’s parents, and
thusly honoring G-d.In all these ways, we can see that by seeing kibbud
av vaeim as honor due not only to our parents but to G-d. We show honor
to G-d by honoring our parents. Who our parents are, their perceived
or actual shortcomings as parents or as fellow human beings, their kindness
or abuse, are irrelevent. They are to be honored because—whether
with intention or by human ‘accident’—they are the
source of our physical life, and they are our first link to G-d, and—if
we are born-Jews, our link back to our ancestors. (well, our parents
are our link back to our ancestors regardless of whether we are Jews-by-birth
or not, but particularly here I refer to avoteinu v’imoteinu).
It is difficult to understand and fulfill the commandment to honor one’s
parents fully –in fact, it has been said that it is the hardest
commandment, because it is impossible to give parents all the honor
they are due! It is a difficult commandment even if our relationship
with our parents is ideal, simply by the fact that it is a relationship
between people—and two people will never share the exact thoughts,
needs, or desires, or feelings. It becomes even more difficult if our
relationship with our parents is far from ideal. We must wrestle, even
more than others, with the question of how to honor our parents when
they have harmed us, or when we do not feel respect for them. It is
useful to repeat here that ‘honor’ does not equal ‘make
happy’. Even if we feel, or know, that nothing we can do will
make our parents happy, or make them glad we are alive—we must
still show them honor by our actions, and respect in how we act and
speak towards them. Honor is action, not feeling.In what ways is kibbud
av va’eim a mitzvah bein adam l’chaveiro? In what ways is
it a mitzvah bein adam laMakom?How can we honor abusive parents? What
if their abuse is the result of illness? Are we obligated to forgive
abusive parents?After a Parent’s Death
Our Rabbis taught: He must honor him [his father] in life and must honor
him in death.
--Kiddushin 31b
'Honor your father and your mother' ... But lest you think that after
the parent's death one is exempt, it is not so; for though he has died
one is obligated to honor him even more, as it is written 'Honor your
father' etc. When the son walks in a crooked path he surely will bring
dishonor and shame upon his parents. But if he walks in the straight
path and his deeds are upright, he surely will confer honor on his parent,
honoring him in this world among men and in the world to come with the
Holy One, blessed is He...--Zohar III:115b. Cf .Kalla Rabbathi ch. 2;
Zohar Chadash 84c.]
If kibbud av va’eim refers to our actions...what of when our parents
are no longer living and we can no longer perform these actions which
bring them honor, which were described before. (That is seeing to their
needs, treating them with dignity and respect regardless of the situation,
etc.) Honor as it has been defined can only apply to a living parent.
What, then, are we to do when a parent dies? Does the mitzvah still
apply? How can we continue to bring honor to our parents even in death?
Clearly (as seen above) the commandment to honor parents continues even
after they are no longer living. (Though there is disagreement on this,
NEED SOURCES, and naturally some aspects of ‘honor’ are
no longer applicable. Many state that after death, kibbud av va’eim
is purely a mitzvah bein adam laMakom, because a mitzvah bein adam la’chaveiro
can only between one living person and another.
So, then, how can we honor our parents when they are not living? There
are some physical aspects of honor we can still fulfill. We can no longer
see that they are properly clothed, have their medical needs taken care
of, nor that they are well homed. But we can see that they are given
all the dignity and honor in the last physical needs of their bodies—from
death to burial. Shiva, saying kaddish, observing yahrzeit, and other
mourning and remembrance rites may also be seen as concrete acts of
honoring a parent, as well as speaking respectfully of a parent’s
name/ memory.
After the burial, after every conceivable earthly need of our parents
has ceased, after our period of mourning and daily kaddish is over...still,
G-d commands us, “Honor them.” When we no longer have our
parent’s living presence to shape what ‘honor’ means,
we can honor our parents in one way: through our lives. We must choose
to live in a way that brings honor to our parents’ names, and
their lives. This is a fearful and all-encompassing demand. Actions
are measurable, quantifiable. It can be terribly difficult to know how
to live in order to honor our parents’ memory. One can choose
to act in ways which are honorable to one’s living parent, in
one’s interpersonal relationship with them. These actions are
the primary way in which one honors a parent in life. But in death,
it is the entirety of one’s life which brings honor.
Knowing how to honor our parent’s memory is difficult, particularly
if we do not know what they would have desired or wished of us. In that
case especially we honor them by living lives which are honorable, moral,
and otherwise exemplary. (of course, we should do this in all cases.)
By this we can be certain to dignify and uplift our parent(s)’
name and memory, even if we cannot know their personal wishes. It may
seem, perhaps, that honoring a deceased parent is easier than a living
one. After all, in death we no longer have the complications of personal
conflict, nor of needs or demands, nor of abuse—though we may
have the complication of the memory of those things. But difficult as
it may be in practice, honor to living parents is based upon—for
the most part--concrete actions. We can clearly know if we are acting
to honor our parents, or not. Death, and the absence of a physical presence,
makes ‘honor’ not a matter of quantifiable acts but the
more amorphous quality of who we are in the world, and all of our actions
in the world—not simply those directly related to our parents.
In this way our relationship with our parents who are no longer living
is analogous to our relationship with G-d. Every one of our actions,
every part of our lives, is an expression of how we honor (or not) HASHEM.
Similarly, every one of our actions, every part of our lives, can be
an honor (or not) to the memory of our parent. We ultimately honor our
parents’ lives most deeply by our own lives.
How do we (or will we) honor the memory of our parent(s)? Do we live
our lives with an awareness of bringing honor to our parent(s) after
they are no longer living? How is honor due to our parents after death
similar to the honor due to G-d?